Pickup Trucks

Pickup Trucks

Such a fantastically wonderful beast this is. You can haul furniture, cargo, groceries, your dog (the most important thing, in my opinion), a trailer or your other grown up toys in them. They are work

I have to ask then, wtf has happened to the breed in the modern age? vehicles, daily drivers or the once in a long while rig that lives in a barn or under a tarp for when you need it, and are one

of the most recognizable parts of American culture.

Today, trucks are almost akin to Mercedes or Cadillacs. Trucks built wholly out of glitz and chrome lumber around town with their shiny paint and their fancy wheels and car-like ride

.

BUT WHY? Trucks were never meant for that life. I see some truck rolling on 25 inch rims blasting some Puff Piddly or what the hell ever and I just want to vomit. And there are always the ubiquitous “Small penis” jokes that accompany the trucks that are 300 feet high with

monster truck suspension and huge exhaust for the fire breathing engines that can barely lug them around. I just don’t understand it. Isn’t this why luxury cars and muscle cars were invented? To be status symbols? To show you had a lot of money?

And before you say anything about a truck being a symbol of a farmer or rancher’s wealth, I have to say that I always associate the big white caddy with steer horns with either oil or cattle barons. A truck is for work. And besides, so you have enough money for a really nice truck to work your farm….why buy a second to toodle around in and pretend to be important? That’s what fancy cars are for!

But, enough of that, I am more concerned with the new trucks…. about the last 15 years... These trucks, I have found, have no….soul. I personally own a truck that is 30 years old. It is drafty, rides rough, loud, made of real metal and has the aerodynamic efficiency of an Ironclad battleship. The siy cylinder engine, carburetor, old style clutch and clunky shifting transmission all give the truck character that you can speak to. Simple, effective, simple...again... No glitz, no

shiny chrome, crank windows…not even a radio. Like an old fighter plane or bomber, an old pickup has a spirit. It was designed to be a work vehicle, not a sports car. And like those old planes, they are used in ways they were never meant or designed to be: as tractors, veterinary tables, hunting benches, ladders, storage units…the list could go on. But there is some sort of joy that comes from turning that key and hearing it fire up, slotting the lever into gear, and taking off down the street with a heavy snarl. A vehicle to chase adventure with, an old classic that is unique and stands out in a crowd, but isn’t pompus or ridiculous. Dispite the fact they were built to work, old trucks are pretty classy rides. And I mean old ones. My 30 year old Dodge truck is on the very edge of classic, but redone trucks from the 60s, 50s,

out into the 1920s are all just gorgeous to look at and wonderful to drive. They don’t handle well, or are the most comfortable, but that is no matter, because you don’t expect them to be. These are the trucks in country love stories or hillbilly music, the steeds of hard working people, the ingrained image of rustic America. These trucks, these have character.

New trucks, they simply have no soul. You get in and drive and there is just…..blah..Just “Well, have to pick up some ply wood and two by fours” , no “Ha, this is fun!” like you get in an old truck.

Its kinda sad...

One of the greatest things....RUINED....

I am, of course, talking about Top Gear....

For those of you who do not know, Top Gear is a fantastically good TV show from Britain, where the three presenters James May, Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond whimsically drive, thrash, bash and entertain us viewers with their antics in cars. Be it doing something ridiculous (The Budget Cop Car Episode), wildly adventurous(the Bolivian 4x4 Challenge) or down right ground breaking (Driving to the North Pole in a Toyota Hilux), The Original Top Gear from the BBC is one of the most entertaining and greatest shows ever to grace the TV. You actually enjoy what they do, what they say, and for people like me (with taste and a brain between my ear parts), we wait with baited breath for the next episode of this charismatic bunch and their automotive antics. Truth be told, all three are guys that I would love to have a beer or several dozen with and shoot the breeze on anything with a motor.

Then came Top Gear America...

Now, I do understand there is an old saying that goes like "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" or something like that, but this does not mean that such a thing should occur.

Top Gear Australia, for example. I have watched a few episodes, and some I have enjoyed, some have been So-So, and some I have passed over to watch something with Zombies in it.

No offense to the guys who host it, or the show itself, but I just....I'm just not feeling it. I just go "Eh" and find something else to do. Why? I don't know. Maybe its the camera work. Maybe I just don't like the challenges....I don't know, but it doesn't attract me.

And I imagine that there are other versions of Top Gear (insert random country name here), but I just don't really care to see them.

But then the worst of the worst happened: Top Gear America.

IS.

HORRENDOUSLY.

AWFUL.

The fact that I wish for this blog to be somewhat family friendly is the only reason this page isn't littered with vile and profuse explicitives and obscenities to go along with my three word description.

Which still isn't an adequate description.

This version of Top Gear is just sickeningly bad. The presenters are seriously the most idiotic and bats*%t stupid people I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. Seriously, if these guys know anything at all about cars other then cars most of the time have four wheels, I will eat my leather boots. None of them are likeable, I am pretty sure the short guy was picked to be this show's version of Richard Hammond, and no reason else, and you are left with a chunky Itailan guy with an ear torturing east coast accent and a dickish demeanor, and a fat guy in glasses with a dickish demeanor and the intelligence of a Chia Pet. None of them show any sort of interesting attributes, and none of them show any sort of maturity what so ever.

I know that the Original BBC Top Gear hosts are a bit immature and goofy at times, but it is not painted all over their show and faces and challenges like a bad tattoo or disgustingly grotesque and derogatory graffiti   painted on a train box car like the American Top Gear bunch.

The shows themselves are not very good either, hosts or not.

I have watched.....3 episodes, and each one has thoroughly annoyed me. The challenges aren't even original really, the newest episode that hasn't offically aired yet, to prove a point, is a blatent and poor copy of the BBC Top Gear Homemade limo special, right down to the open top limo and the one made out o the front halves of two cars. Seriously, they have to even copy the original show's ideas, and pass it off as their own. What a bunch of losers...

Number One, the Great American 4x4 challenge. Admittedly, one that I think they may have come up with on their own. Absolute crap. If one of the host's American made truck fails, they are doomed to drive a Toyota "Jihadist" pickup.

Here is the first example of the show's failing: This toyota pickup the hosts must drive has a Solid Axle swap, probably an engine swap, and has been so heavily modified as an off road vehicle that it probably can't even be called a Japanese truck.

In addition to this, the two trucks that break down, they break down and NO EFFORT IS MADE TO FIX THEM, or limp them, or tow them, or anything.

To make a point, BBC Top Gear's Africa Road car special, Jeremy Clarkson's Lancia Beta fails once a day, only to be forced back to life with some tinkering to finish the challenge, and Richard Hammond sank his Opel Cadet, towed it out of the water, and FIXED it. And this is pretty much par for the course on ALL of the original Top Gear episodes.

Dear Rutledge and the other two American Top Gear morons: Its called a tool box. Should be used, I don't know, when a car breaks. Make some effort you sissies.

NUMBER TWO: The GM Peoples Choice Car Challenge. The hosts take two American Made GM cars and a Pontiac Fiero and do a series of challenges to see which is the best and which GM, now owned by the American people, should build again.

Um, Way to rip off the BBC Top Gear British Leyland Special. The show challenges, all the same. No use of any imagination here... All I did was roll my eyes and grimace.

NUMBER THREE: The Great American Pickup Special. The hosts each bring a one ton American pickup truck with duel rear wheels, extended cabs and big engines, both gas and diesel. The contenders are a Ford F350 Super Duty, a Dodge Ram 3500, and a Chevy 3500HD Silverado. All decent trucks, but the three trucks the presenters brought were essentally all Cowboy Limousines.

The challenges include a drag race, a burnout contest, a hill climb, and then the presenters screw around by pulling down some powerlines, a small tarpaper and sheetrock house, and a railroad tender on wheels... None of which were actually decent tests to show the truck's pros or cons, or if they where, these three morons were too busy screwing around like methhead squirrels or those dumbshit rich kids who thrash their vehicles because mommy and daddy will buy them a new one.

Granted, the Big Pickup is sort of an American Only kind of thing, but Top Gear America's hosts screwed it up. I should watch a show and have the comments coming out of my mouth not be

"Why am I not getting paid to do this? I can pretend to be an absolute dumbass on TV too!"

Seriously, what the hell did these guys do to get where they are....because I can do it too.

Seriously, I could do better, and not only that, I could pick two of my many car knowledgeable friends to co-host, and not only would us garage born, trial and error by wrench car enthusiasts be better with the cars, we would be better with making the show interesting and the audience like us and WANT to watch the show.

Dear Top Gear America: I can do better. Stop making me think you are produced by the same people who produce "Jersey Shore"

Dear Original Top Gear: You rock. Please continue brightening my day.

This is here because it is pretty.

Beautiful Sunny Days.

Today in Missoula Montana was stunning. 64 Degrees, no clouds, no wind, just blue skies and sun and warmth. It was fantastic. Which makes me think about the things I love when it comes to cars and driving in the sun.

You know what the 3rd best thing about sunny beautiful days are? The long drives with the windows down. Just something about blasting along with the wind blowing through the
windows. Air Conditioning can keep you cool, but open windows are so much more fun. Plus, the wind is loud, so you have to turn your music up louder. The louder it gets, the more you want to sing with it, and the more fun you have. It all is win.

Best Thing, Number 2: Everyone with some sort of automotive toy or automotive guilty pleasure brings the Garage Queens out. Especially that first really nice day of spring. You know these people have been walking through their garages looking with forlorn glances at the shape under

the car cover, or under boxes, or months of dirt and dust. Poor Machines, locked away from their natural habitat, away from the roads and the thrill of being driven.

Course, that first nice day....

By a very very brief count today I saw: 1970 Pontiac GTO Judge, 1949 Ford F100, 1968 Chevy Impala, 2010 Chevy Camaro, 1971 Dodge Dart, 1970 Dodge Charger, a 19??? Rat Rod made of near everything, a 1920's Ford Model T, what looked like a 1940 Willys Coupe, numerous import racers, a number of Harleys, lots of crotch rockets and a pretty girl on a vintage Vespa.

All pretty, beautiful things (especially the girl on the vespa) , all out for the first time in several months. They were fantastic, some washed, water still beading on the pain, some still dusty from the garage, but all were just fantastic to look at. Makes me want one, or want to build one, or want to just work on one. It was great.

But, the best thing about the first sunny day....Number 1....

Dogs.

Seriously, Dogs. Every other car had the gleeful and stupid happy dog face hanging out

of it, ears and lips flapping in the breeze, just basking in the joy of it all. Most of the cars mentioned in Number 2? Yep, rocking the dog copilot whose duty was to man the windows in search of noms. Great fun.

My own dog, Adak, was loving every second of it, singing as the ambulance passed or just letting the wind play with his ears. Made my day just a world better if you ask me. Just the joy of driving with my dog with the radio on and adventure beckoning was enough to make me forget my woes and just relax, not let anything bother me.

I can't wait for the next sunny day.